Accomplishments

I'm finished. No more tests, no more tuition or textbook bills, no more jumping through hoops. Four years of non-stop working my tail off and I'm finally graduating!

Granted, a BS in English isn't the most prestigious degree, and no one is going to be banging my door down for me to analyze Tennyson or Joyce for them, but at this point rest means more to me than money.

So I'm sticking with my job in childcare so I can hopefully get a promotion. That way, I'll be bringing in decent income from a job I love while I try to get my writing career off the ground.

I've reached another landmark this week, which really can't be measured or displayed like a diploma, but I feel it's just as significant.

This morning, my jeans were a little tight, so I got the little orange measuring tape from under the bathroom sink.

The difference is, this time I didn't freak out when I saw I've gained a 1/2" in my thighs. I got rid of my scale long ago, but that measuring tape still lurked under the sink for whenever I felt masochistic. So what did I do?

I threw it in the trash, put on some comfier clothes, and sat down to read Fablehaven. I was much more concerned with the Sphinx's plot to open Zzyxx than my thighs. A few years ago, I would have cried and downed a pint of something cold and creamy and/or planned a new diet and exercise program to start tomorrow. When I'd fall off that wagon, I'd gain more weight and wash, rinse, repeat.

I've struggled with weight and body image all my life, but especially since my eating disorder in junior high, when I existed on 600-700 calories a day and lost forty pounds in three months. I've yo-yoed between 130 and 185 since then, but now I'm right in the middle, about 155 or so on my 5'8" frame, which the books say is healthy but feels a little uncomfortable, but I'm not stressin'. I've been working with Intuitive Eating for the past year and a half or so, and I only feel that I've really made progress in the last two months while I've been experimenting with a more plant-based diet. I can hear my body signals so much easier, I naturally choose healthier foods and I've been exercising because I want to. In the last two weeks, I've even been eating less because I've been less hungry. I think my body is ready to let go of a little extra weight. Either way, I'm fine. If I lose, great. If not, that's ok too. If I gain, no biggie. I'll just have to buy bigger pants and everything else in my life will stay exactly the same. Weight gain isn't the apocalyptic event it used to be.

I think I'm finally free of disordered eating and body image. I'm seeing myself clearly for the first time, and I can honestly say I love my body, flaws and all.

To me, this is just as valuable as graduating from college.

No if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Fablehaven.

Kella

Dinner and a show (and by show, I mean a rant)

I'm off work until Tuesday because the school's out for Easter Break (one of the many perks of working in a school) so Sam and I had an "adventure day". We went to see How to Train Your Dragon, which I loved. The dragon was adorable; like a kitty and a puppy and a bat all rolled into one.

For dinner, we hit up one of my favorite restaurants, Jasoh Prime and Pub. I love it because everything is made fresh; the bread, the salad dressing, everything! The restaurant's split into two parts: fine dining and the 'pub'. We sat on the indoor patio of the pub side with a lovely view of Historic 25th Street (if you don't mind telephone wires)

I ordered the pear and goat cheese salad because it always looked amazing and I've been dying to try it for months. It didn't disappoint:

Mixed greens, d'anjou pears, pistachios, and few pieces of goat cheese tossed with homemade sherry vinagrette. Yummy! It filled me right up, and I enjoyed it with a piece of bread dipped in olive oil and pomegranate-infused balsamic. They offer the bread and dipping oils free of charge if you ask.

Sam ordered the Picasso burger, which is a build-your-own burger dish with gourmet toppings like sun-dried tomatoes and sauteed mushrooms. I stole most of his sweet frittes, which are thin-cut sweet potato fries. They have a really good veggie burger. This place is seriously amazing and the service is wonderful.

Husband did not want his picture taken.

That's better.

Next topic: Something that makes me very, very sad and very angry.

Diets

Did you know this word comes from the Latin word for "to die"? I think there's a reason for that.

I see so many amazing people, who were blessed with incredible talents using so much of their precious time and brain space worrying about how they look and pushing themselves through grueling workouts and eating 1000 calories a day. It really upsets me, because I know what it's like to spend less time doing things I love so I can count calories, plan menus, feel like crap, etc. I know how it feels to eat lettuce and vinegar for lunch while getting up at five in the morning to work out and never see the scale budge. I've had otherwise perfect days ruined by a stupid number on the scale. I've hated myself, my body, moaned about my round hips and thick legs and soft triceps when I could have been enjoying my life. I've wasted vacations hiding in a car or hotel counting calories from restaurant meals and planning an attack plan for when I get back.

I've wasted too much of my life.

The ironic thing is, I once lost 50 pounds effortlessly because I didn't worry about it. Life was more exciting than food, and I only thought about food when I was hungry. As soon as I started obsessing about food again, I gained 20 pounds. Strange huh?

I believe that by treating your body well and not subjecting it to the mental and physical stress of dieting, it will find it's healthy size. Easier said than done; and believe me, sometimes dieting is a lot easier, but our bodies are smart. Throw away the scale, the meal replacement shakes, the dieting books and pills, all that garbage and listen to your body. It will always tell you what it needs, and by working with it and giving it the respect it deserves, weight problems will take care of themselves.

If anyone reading this is struggling with dieting or weight issues, I strongly recommend the books Intuitive Eating by Elysse Resch and Evelyn Tribole. Check out blogs like Beautiful You and Healthy Girl. Wear flattering clothes that fit, move your body in a way you enjoy, eat food that feels good in your body and don't apologize to anyone for not fitting into some cookie cutter idea of beauty. I can't stress this enough.

Diets don't work; and they can destroy you. Do yourself a favor and swear off dieting. You'll never regret it.

Kella

Body image booster shot

Sorry for the absence all weekend, but I'm up to my eyeballs in homework (four weeks till graduation!) and I've been hanging around with friends.

Almost every woman has "bad body days," when she just feels insecure about the way she looks, nothing seems to fit right, and she just feels lucky. During a homework break, I was cruising around the net and I stumbled on Beautiful You, and amazing site that celebrates real women of all sizes. That homework break turned into almost an afternoon, and it really made me feel better about my body.

I've struggled with bad body image nearly all my life, thinking I was always fat. I have been overweight, but I've never been unhealthy. Reading these posts and seeing pictures of beautiful models with figures like mine gave me quite a boost, and I hope it can do the same for you. Bookmark this one for a rainy day.

Kella