Plans

I can honestly say this has probably been the most stressful three weeks of my life. That includes getting married, starting new jobs, and my senior year of high school, which until now has taken the crown.

Have you ever made plans? Have they ever been blown to pieces? This happens to me all the time.

I planned on using my technical theater scholarships for a different school and going in to set design. I ended up choosing a different school to study art.

I planned on being an artist, then I changed my major to my first love, Creative Writing.

I planned on going away to school, graduating, then teaching English in an orphanage in Romania. Instead, I married my best friend.

If I've learned anything from this, it's that I can plan all I want but life is going to happen anyway, and it rarely goes according to plan. This happens to everybody. Since graduating college, I've applied for a few different jobs and came very close to accepting one in a foreign country. I've always planned on traveling, but this just didn't feel right somehow. It would have been an adventure, but you know that naggy feeling in your gut that you want to write off as nerves, but deep down you know it's something else?

Stress, stress, stress.

Finally, another great job opportunity presented itself. Thank goodness, because I realized I'd been looking for an excuse to get out of the other job since I applied. So now, I get to move out of my creepy apartment and live for free as a nanny to my six cousins while Sam finishes his animation degree.

Now let's see how this plan changes.

Hungry, Intuitive Eating Goals, and Birthday Surprises!

One of my favorite ways to deal with body image issues and stay in a healthy mindset is reading, and I found a gem.

Hungry is the story of Crystal Renn, today's leading plus-size model and in my opinion, one of the most gorgeous women on the planet. She tells about her struggle with anorexia and exercise bulimia as a struggling young model while offering an honest, insider's view on the fashion industry. When her agency gave her the boot for being too fat, she decided to stop living off steamed veggies and exercising up to eight hours a day. She stopped fighting her body and surprise, her career took off and she found love. I love this because it debunks the false notion that one's life will be so much better "when I lose weight.." Today, she's a healthy size 12 and works much the same way as straight sized models, in dramatic, "editorial" photographs and runway shows.

I think every woman should read this, especially if you struggle with body image.

Speaking of body image, something happened to me yesterday that hasn't happened in a long time.

I had a "fat day".

Fat days used to be every day for me, but working with intuitive eating and body acceptance, I've learned that "fat" isn't an emotion, and I know myself well enough to know that when I feel "fat", something else is bothering me, usually a feeling a general inadequacy from a lifetime of self-esteem issues. When this happens, I try to take a step back and reevaluate a few things.

Sometimes I notice the diet mentality sneaking back in and I use IE as a weight loss tool. This isn't what IE is about. The goal here is not to lose weight, although that may be a side effect, but to create a healthy relationship with food and our bodies. Here's what I usually do when a "fat day" attacks:

• Exercise only if I feel like it, and only if I enjoy it.
• Sit with the emotion for awhile, journal about it so I can get everything out and organize my thoughts.
• Wear something flattering.
• Give into a little emotional eating sometimes, so I can really understand that dieting will never again be part of my life.
• Do not feel guilty for anything I eat or any exercise I don't do. I still struggle with this sometimes.
• Watch a funny movie. Laugher can fix anything.

I do this until I feel better. My "recovery" periods are getting shorter, so I count that as progress.

On a happier note, tomorrow is my birthday, and Sam worked some extra hours so we could spent the night at my favorite bed and breakfast, and he even booked the Bridal Suite, which is where we stayed on part of our honeymoon! I'm so excited and I'm trying to decide which restaurant I want to hit tonight...so many good ones. I'll try to remember to take pics of whatever amazing thing I eat.

So whatever we end up eating in the next 24 hours, I won't let any nasty diet thinking ruin it. Delicious meals are triggering for me sometimes, so instead of getting on a bunch of restaurant websites and thinking of how I'm going to balance the calories in this meal, I'll do this instead: (sorry, I love lists)

• Pick whichever restaurant sounds best tonight.
• Order whatever the hell I want (whatever sounds best to my body and tastebuds)
• taste every single bite that goes into my mouth
• not feel obligated to eat anything I don't like
• try to stop when I'm full and satisfied (this doesn't always happen, but I won't beat myself up if I eat past full.)
• enjoy time with Sam on our little getaway

Stay tuned for a lesson in making homemade almond milk!

Kella

A cute breakfast and thoughts about protein.

This morning, Sam decided to make "Bull's Eye Toast" for breakfast. Usually, he just cuts a circle out of the bread for the egg, but he found one my gingerbread man cookie cutters.

Aren't they cute? They sure tasted good. The fat and protein combined with the fiber in this nine grain bread made for a SUPER filling breakie. Even Sam was stuffed after two pieces, and I could only do one!

They're really easy to make:

Bull's Eye Toast

Whole grain bread (We used Nine Grain Crunch with sunflower seeds, my favorite!)

1 egg per slice of bread (Local and free-range is preferable. These came from my Daddy's chickens)

Butter, Earth Balance, or whatever

Butter both sides of the bread and cut a hole out of the center. Heart-shaped, person-shaped, Christmas tree-shaped, whatever.

Throw on a griddle and crack an egg into the center.

When the egg has set a little, flip and cook until both sides are crispy.

Don't forget to cook the cut-outs too!

Devour. Goes great with orange juice.

Though Sam and I have, um, differing opinions concerning food, he's a very good cook, and not everything he cooks involves a vat of oil (though it would if I let him.) Don't even get me started on the time he tricked me into eating frog legs. Any other girl would have killed him!

Don't let the sheepish look fool you. He's sneaky!

I usually go for sweet, carby things in the morning like oatmeal concoctions or pancakes, but Sam's more a bacon-and-eggs kinda guy because he needs a lot more protein than I do.

While we're on the subject of protein, I know there's a lot of debate about our protein needs. Supposedly, humans only needs 0.8 grams of protein per kilogram of body weight daily. Supposedly, animal proteins are the highest quality because they are more complete and therefore easier for our bodies to use.

This high-protein craze that's taken the country by storm the past few years says we need lots of protein to lose weight, because carbs get turned straight to sugar and go on to pad our hips for the rest of our lives.

I'm not a nutritionist, but I've tried high protein diets, and I hate them. Some people, like a lot of my extended family do really well with them. I know Sam feels off when he doesn't get a good amount, especially from animal products when I can go days or even weeks without meat or dairy and not even notice. I do like a little fish and eggs in my diet though, but try to go easy on dairy and other meats.

I found this quiz through Averie's blog, and I think it's an interesting way to see how your body might handle protein. I seem to be a normal oxidizer, which means I just need moderate amounts of fat and protein but the bulk of my diet should be complex carbs. I try to eat this way, and it works pretty well for me. Don't take this quiz or anything else as gospel, but it offers some interesting ideas.

As usual, the bottom line is listen to your body. If you feel weak without a little meat or eggs in your diet, eat them. If heavy proteins make you sluggish, avoid them. Do what's right for you.

What do you guys think of the protein hype? Do your body like a lot of protein, just a little, or a more moderate amount?

Hope you all had a great Memorial Day!

Kella

The hardest part of Intuitive Eating

About a year and a half ago, I was trying desperately to lose weight and get my "bad" eating habits under control. I counted calories, packed itty-bitty lunches to get me through nine hours shifts of caring for two dozen kindergarteners and beat myself up whenever I gave in halfway through the afternoon and ate one of the brownies laying around at snack time.

I'd dieted before, and this was actually a pretty mild, and this time around I quickly recognized something was wrong, so I talked to a counselor and she recommended I read Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elysse Resch.

In a nutshell, Intuitive Eating is all about listening to your body's hunger and fullness signals and eating what you want. It makes so much sense, and it felt so right, because this was how I lost 55 pounds over three years without trying at all. I jumped right into this new way of eating, but I have looked back a few times.

I know it sounds crazy, but learning to eat intuitively is so much harder than dieting. There are no absolutes, no hard rules, none of that stuff to "keep you on track". No foods are inherently "good" or "bad".

I've come a long way. I eat when I'm hungry, I usually stop when I'm full, I naturally choose healthy foods most of the time, I rarely guilt trip myself when I overeat, and I exercise because I want to.

The only hard part is the emotional eating part. Fitness magazines and diet books tell you to go for a walk or paint your nails or something when you have a strong emotion instead of eating. A therapist told me to try to seek another distraction, but I came across an amazing idea on a wonderful IE blog, Honoring Health:

Instead of avoiding emotions, why not try to feel them?

Well, because it's scary. It's painful. Nobody wants to go wading through all that nasty stuff, but maybe feeling an emotion, acknowledging it, and doing something about it would be better than distracting myself with a Harry Potter book or blasting music to drown things out.

If you're sad, cry. If you're angry, beat the crap out of your pillow. Let it come out, let it happen, and try to do this in a safe environment.

So this is my goal for a few days. Feel stuff instead of avoiding it, with food or anything else.

Kellapillar.

PS: If you're stuck in the tyranny of dieting, I strongly urge to you read Intuitive Eating. It's hard, but it will help you with so much more than eating habits. I've gotten to know myself better in the last two years than I have my entire life. Read it, read it, and take care of yourself.

Writing, eating, and neglecting to blog about it.

Hey guys, sorry I haven't written since...last monday? Wow. I haven't forgotten you at all, I've

commented on a lot of your blogs and I always love reading about what you're up to.

So what have I been up to that I've been too lazy to tell you about?

Writing, writing, working, editing, and writing.

Last spring, I started writing my first novel and I recently finished the first draft! Writing a book and going to school at the same time is almost impossible, but since graduation I've really buckled down and I did it!

However, that means I get to move on to the next step in the writing process: Editing and revising. I usually don't mind editing, but I've never had to edit something this big. Cleaning and tightening up a term paper or short story is one thing, but a 300 page novel? Aaaah! This isn't just fixing spelling errors or grammar issues either. This means rewriting a chapter in another point of view, writing in new scenes and maybe cutting out others, feeding in more information to clarify the plot, etc. I read through the manuscript and made a bunch of notes and a huge laundry list of stuff to fix. Overwhelming? Oh yeah.

So with all this fantastic writing going on, I admit I haven't been cooking much. My diet for the last two weeks was mostly oatmeal, veggie wraps, peanut butter toast, salads, fruit, and about four tons of chocolate.

What? Writing a book is stressful!

To switch gears here, I've learned through my work with Intuitive Eating that I tend to get extra munchy and obsessed with food and health when something else is bothering me. This usually takes me by surprise and I have to dig for the root cause, but I know I'm sitting around reading health books because I'm avoiding my book. Is this weird, to procrastinate something that brings me so much joy? Is it strange that something I love can cause me so much turmoil?

I had an art teacher that told me that our true passion will drive us crazy and we'll even hate is sometimes because we care about it so much. Does anyone else feel like that?

If I'm this nervous about editing, wait'll you see me when I'm writing query letters!

Kella

Flexitarian?

I've heard this term tossed around a lot and I always thought it was kind of silly. Either you're a vegetarian or you aren't. The more I think about it though, I acknowledge that there's a whole lot of difference between a non-vegetarian who occasionally eats fish or a salad with some goat cheese and a non-vegetarian who eats meat three times a day and washes it down with a big glass of chocolate milk. The difference is huge, so why shouldn't it have a name and be considered a separate eating style?

I've been toying with vegan cooking and eating for a few months now, and I love love love it. I still eat whatever Mom cooks when I visit though, and I might order restaurant meals with a little meat, egg or dairy. My diet is largely plant-based, but I do still include some animal products, so I guess I fall into the camp of "Flexitarianism," and I think I'll stay this way for awhile. I think I've found a nice balance for me that feels good to my body and doesn't trigger my obsessive tendencies, as veganism tends to do.

What do you think about flexitarianism?

Accomplishments

I'm finished. No more tests, no more tuition or textbook bills, no more jumping through hoops. Four years of non-stop working my tail off and I'm finally graduating!

Granted, a BS in English isn't the most prestigious degree, and no one is going to be banging my door down for me to analyze Tennyson or Joyce for them, but at this point rest means more to me than money.

So I'm sticking with my job in childcare so I can hopefully get a promotion. That way, I'll be bringing in decent income from a job I love while I try to get my writing career off the ground.

I've reached another landmark this week, which really can't be measured or displayed like a diploma, but I feel it's just as significant.

This morning, my jeans were a little tight, so I got the little orange measuring tape from under the bathroom sink.

The difference is, this time I didn't freak out when I saw I've gained a 1/2" in my thighs. I got rid of my scale long ago, but that measuring tape still lurked under the sink for whenever I felt masochistic. So what did I do?

I threw it in the trash, put on some comfier clothes, and sat down to read Fablehaven. I was much more concerned with the Sphinx's plot to open Zzyxx than my thighs. A few years ago, I would have cried and downed a pint of something cold and creamy and/or planned a new diet and exercise program to start tomorrow. When I'd fall off that wagon, I'd gain more weight and wash, rinse, repeat.

I've struggled with weight and body image all my life, but especially since my eating disorder in junior high, when I existed on 600-700 calories a day and lost forty pounds in three months. I've yo-yoed between 130 and 185 since then, but now I'm right in the middle, about 155 or so on my 5'8" frame, which the books say is healthy but feels a little uncomfortable, but I'm not stressin'. I've been working with Intuitive Eating for the past year and a half or so, and I only feel that I've really made progress in the last two months while I've been experimenting with a more plant-based diet. I can hear my body signals so much easier, I naturally choose healthier foods and I've been exercising because I want to. In the last two weeks, I've even been eating less because I've been less hungry. I think my body is ready to let go of a little extra weight. Either way, I'm fine. If I lose, great. If not, that's ok too. If I gain, no biggie. I'll just have to buy bigger pants and everything else in my life will stay exactly the same. Weight gain isn't the apocalyptic event it used to be.

I think I'm finally free of disordered eating and body image. I'm seeing myself clearly for the first time, and I can honestly say I love my body, flaws and all.

To me, this is just as valuable as graduating from college.

No if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Fablehaven.

Kella

Meant to be?

About an hour after posting yesterday's "To run or not to run", I check my mailbox and found a letter from a group called Team in Training, a group that participates in athletic events like marathons and adventure hikes to raise money for blood cancer research. I've been looking for a way to volunteer or do SOMETHING for someone else, and I don't think it was coincidence that this ended up in my mailbox the day I decided I want to make running a part of my life. I RSVPed to the information meeting in three weeks, and until then I'll work on running to see if this is something I can do. Can I really run a half-marathon by the end of October?
Maybe helping people with leukemia will give me the push I need. I guess if I'm not up for the half-marathon, I can do an adventure hike. I'm a decent hiker already and if I can hike eight hours through the bamboo jungles of China, I can hike through Zion National Park.
Thoughts anyone? Am I going overboard? This feels right to me.
I got up early to go for a short run this morning before class. I was out for about thirty minutes, and I ran most of the first half and power-walked the uphill ending. I felt great when I got home, and I love that rosy-cheeked feeling. I want to make this a habit.

Have an awesome Thursday.

Kella

To run or not to run?

"I don't run unless something's chasing me; and even then I prefer to hide,"
That's been my running motto most of my life. My nickname in school was 'slowpoke', my gym teacher made us run laps if we showed up late and the longest I've even run at once is a mile. I've done that twice in my whole life.
I read a lot of health and fitness blogs, and people seem to like running. What is this elusive "runner's high"? I've never understood.
I'm curious though, and I've decided to try running. I've actually run a little bit for two mornings in a row, which is the most I'v ever done! (Yes, I know how pathetic that is) You know what? It was actually fun! I woke up to a foot of snow though, so I was stuck in the indoor track, but I ran anyway, or tried to. I ran off and an for about a half hour both days. I've been skimping on cardio lately so it was harder than it should have been, but I really liked it, and I'm looking forward to running outside as soon as the ice melts.
I notice sometimes that running sounds really good when I'm angry or wired. Maybe there is a runner in me.

Hmmm...

Kella

Dinner and a show (and by show, I mean a rant)

I'm off work until Tuesday because the school's out for Easter Break (one of the many perks of working in a school) so Sam and I had an "adventure day". We went to see How to Train Your Dragon, which I loved. The dragon was adorable; like a kitty and a puppy and a bat all rolled into one.

For dinner, we hit up one of my favorite restaurants, Jasoh Prime and Pub. I love it because everything is made fresh; the bread, the salad dressing, everything! The restaurant's split into two parts: fine dining and the 'pub'. We sat on the indoor patio of the pub side with a lovely view of Historic 25th Street (if you don't mind telephone wires)

I ordered the pear and goat cheese salad because it always looked amazing and I've been dying to try it for months. It didn't disappoint:

Mixed greens, d'anjou pears, pistachios, and few pieces of goat cheese tossed with homemade sherry vinagrette. Yummy! It filled me right up, and I enjoyed it with a piece of bread dipped in olive oil and pomegranate-infused balsamic. They offer the bread and dipping oils free of charge if you ask.

Sam ordered the Picasso burger, which is a build-your-own burger dish with gourmet toppings like sun-dried tomatoes and sauteed mushrooms. I stole most of his sweet frittes, which are thin-cut sweet potato fries. They have a really good veggie burger. This place is seriously amazing and the service is wonderful.

Husband did not want his picture taken.

That's better.

Next topic: Something that makes me very, very sad and very angry.

Diets

Did you know this word comes from the Latin word for "to die"? I think there's a reason for that.

I see so many amazing people, who were blessed with incredible talents using so much of their precious time and brain space worrying about how they look and pushing themselves through grueling workouts and eating 1000 calories a day. It really upsets me, because I know what it's like to spend less time doing things I love so I can count calories, plan menus, feel like crap, etc. I know how it feels to eat lettuce and vinegar for lunch while getting up at five in the morning to work out and never see the scale budge. I've had otherwise perfect days ruined by a stupid number on the scale. I've hated myself, my body, moaned about my round hips and thick legs and soft triceps when I could have been enjoying my life. I've wasted vacations hiding in a car or hotel counting calories from restaurant meals and planning an attack plan for when I get back.

I've wasted too much of my life.

The ironic thing is, I once lost 50 pounds effortlessly because I didn't worry about it. Life was more exciting than food, and I only thought about food when I was hungry. As soon as I started obsessing about food again, I gained 20 pounds. Strange huh?

I believe that by treating your body well and not subjecting it to the mental and physical stress of dieting, it will find it's healthy size. Easier said than done; and believe me, sometimes dieting is a lot easier, but our bodies are smart. Throw away the scale, the meal replacement shakes, the dieting books and pills, all that garbage and listen to your body. It will always tell you what it needs, and by working with it and giving it the respect it deserves, weight problems will take care of themselves.

If anyone reading this is struggling with dieting or weight issues, I strongly recommend the books Intuitive Eating by Elysse Resch and Evelyn Tribole. Check out blogs like Beautiful You and Healthy Girl. Wear flattering clothes that fit, move your body in a way you enjoy, eat food that feels good in your body and don't apologize to anyone for not fitting into some cookie cutter idea of beauty. I can't stress this enough.

Diets don't work; and they can destroy you. Do yourself a favor and swear off dieting. You'll never regret it.

Kella

My Motivations

Before I continue with this blog, I should probably clarify my motivations a little bit.

For the past few months, I’ve been experimenting with eating less animal products and more plants. Right now about 5 out of 6 of my meals are completely plant-based. I still have pizza sometimes, occasionally ice cream or other desserts made with eggs and butter, and I eat whatever my mom makes when I visit my family. I’ve stopped eating meat at home and I’ve switched to homemade almond milk instead of moo juice.

Why?

1. I feel better. My skin and hair are softer and my body feels lighter, even though I haven’t lost any weight. If I overeat plant-based food, I’ll be full but I won’t feel as blobby.

2. It’s fun. I love to cook and eat, and I see this as a fun challenge. I love learning about different ways to use food (I had no idea nuts were so versatile) and discovering new foods I love (hello oatmeal concoctions and fudge babies!). Vegan cooking skips all the parts of cooking I don’t like, like cutting and cooking meat. Never liked it, never good at it.

3. The ethical issue. I know this is a touchy subject, so here’s my take on it: I believe that God creating everything on Earth for the use of man. My religion teaches that God gave man dominion over the earth, but also the responsibility to take care of it. This includes animals. They’re here for our companionship, use in working, and yes, for our food. I don’t think eating animals is inherently wrong, but there’s a right and wrong way to go about it. I have a problem with packing thousands of animals into factory farms so people can eat way more meat than is healthy. The abuse these animals abuse is terrible, and in a society where we have an abundance of plant food to keep us healthy, I don’t think we need many animal products at all.

Truly pasture-raised meats are fine with me, but I can’t afford that stuff, so it’s way easier for me to just cut back. But I believe that animals foods, produced responsibly and in moderation, have a place in a healthy diet.

However, I’m not planning on taking the plunge and going 100% vegan. Why?

I’ve struggled with food and body issues all my life and I’ve been learning (Sloooowly learning) to eat intuitively, and at this point in the game, I feel that labeling or setting any hard rules, for whatever reason, will only complicate things and I’ll be right back in the old diet/stuff myself cycle. I’m learning to eat moderately and to take care of my body. If my body wants eggs from my Dad’s chickens, I’ll eat it. I’ll still eat my cccs until I can find a vegan version that’s just as good or better. I won’t completely cut anything from my diet forever until I’m ready, and right now, I’m not. I’m focusing more on adding right now; more veggies, more fruits, and more plant food. The subtracting thing is taking care of itself.

So even though I’ll be playing with lots of vegan recipes, this isn’t necessarily a vegan blog. I may post non-vegan recipes from time to time, but mostly this blog is about me learning, being healthy, and having fun. If I find myself ready to take the next step, I will. I’m just not in a place I can healthfully do that right now.

Happy Hump Day!

Kella

I heart cooking.

I didn't mean for this to be a post, but I these are the thoughts running around in my head as I organized all my new recipes.

I love to cook. I love hunting for the perfect recipe, shopping for ingredients, not following the recipe at all, mixing everything together, playing with different appliances and toys in the kitchen, putting it all together and sampling the final product. Sometimes, I'm the only one who likes my creation. I guess it's kinda like being a parent. Other people might think you're little child creations are odd, but you find them delightful.

I’ve never much liked cooking meat because it’s just a hunk of meat; not much to do with it. It’s a very impersonal thing to cook. You can cut it up or put stuff on it, fry it, bake it, whatever, but it’s just a dead thing that won’t take on much life in the pan, in your mouth, or in your soul. I like to work with live, colorful, versatile foods that taste amazing and make me feel good.

I’m not vegan, but I love vegan cooking because it feels good, feels kind, and I’m up for a challenge. I’m especially interested in raw cooking, because it’s constant grocery shopping for fresh ingredients and lots of chopping and mixing; my very favorite parts!

I'm going to make a fruit run and maybe hit up Good Earth for a few things. Another day, another culinary adventure!

Kella