Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I'm finished. No more tests, no more tuition or textbook bills, no more jumping through hoops. Four years of non-stop working my tail off and I'm finally graduating!
Granted, a BS in English isn't the most prestigious degree, and no one is going to be banging my door down for me to analyze Tennyson or Joyce for them, but at this point rest means more to me than money.
So I'm sticking with my job in childcare so I can hopefully get a promotion. That way, I'll be bringing in decent income from a job I love while I try to get my writing career off the ground.
I've reached another landmark this week, which really can't be measured or displayed like a diploma, but I feel it's just as significant.
This morning, my jeans were a little tight, so I got the little orange measuring tape from under the bathroom sink.
The difference is, this time I didn't freak out when I saw I've gained a 1/2" in my thighs. I got rid of my scale long ago, but that measuring tape still lurked under the sink for whenever I felt masochistic. So what did I do?
I threw it in the trash, put on some comfier clothes, and sat down to read Fablehaven. I was much more concerned with the Sphinx's plot to open Zzyxx than my thighs. A few years ago, I would have cried and downed a pint of something cold and creamy and/or planned a new diet and exercise program to start tomorrow. When I'd fall off that wagon, I'd gain more weight and wash, rinse, repeat.
I've struggled with weight and body image all my life, but especially since my eating disorder in junior high, when I existed on 600-700 calories a day and lost forty pounds in three months. I've yo-yoed between 130 and 185 since then, but now I'm right in the middle, about 155 or so on my 5'8" frame, which the books say is healthy but feels a little uncomfortable, but I'm not stressin'. I've been working with Intuitive Eating for the past year and a half or so, and I only feel that I've really made progress in the last two months while I've been experimenting with a more plant-based diet. I can hear my body signals so much easier, I naturally choose healthier foods and I've been exercising because I want to. In the last two weeks, I've even been eating less because I've been less hungry. I think my body is ready to let go of a little extra weight. Either way, I'm fine. If I lose, great. If not, that's ok too. If I gain, no biggie. I'll just have to buy bigger pants and everything else in my life will stay exactly the same. Weight gain isn't the apocalyptic event it used to be.
I think I'm finally free of disordered eating and body image. I'm seeing myself clearly for the first time, and I can honestly say I love my body, flaws and all.
To me, this is just as valuable as graduating from college.

No if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Fablehaven.



  1. Enjoy! You'll love it! It's one of his best! Although I still love the last one!
    And that was a very inspiring post. I wish I could get to the same place. But I just can't for some reason. I'm still obsessed with my weight and what size jeans I wear and how huge my hips are.

  2. Thanks guys. Mandee, you can get to that point. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'll probably slip at some point, but I hope I'm proof that it's doable. And I think you're beautiful and talented beyond belief, so no hip-bashing.

  3. Way to throw out what you dont need, literally and figuratively!

    And congrats on your graduation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thx for the super sweet comment you left me and have an awesome night!

  4. Congratulations on your graduation, and BRAVO on successfully "correcting" your attitude towards your weight and body.